Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Welcome to the Discombobulatorium.

I can already imagine a number of questions are pervading your mind: How do you pronounce that? What does it mean? Where am I? What is the Matrix? Was Sean Connery or Roger Moore a better James Bond?

Well, deep within my black heart I hold the answers to the questions you seek. However, you must surrender your soul to me if you wish to know the answer, understand? We have a deal!
  • Discombobulatorium n.: 1. A repository for discombobs. 2. Of or relating to awesome. 3. An ever-dull chronicle of the life and times of Gavin, a living testament to mediocrity.
  • The Matrix: The totally awesome first movie in a trilogy of increasingly disappointing and over-hyped movies.
  • Sean Connery is the best James Bond to ever grace the silver screen, as he:
    • Is Scottish, just like Ian Fleming intended.
    • Slapped a bikini-clad lass on the arse and remarked, "Run along now - man talk", making him a testament to all things manly.
    • Doesn't take shit from anyone, even crazy, bald Japanese men with ninja top hats.
So why did I start this "blog" (as all the cool kids are calling them these days) you see before you? Well, it came partly from a combination of jealousy at my arch-nemesis/girlfriend's website, an insecure ego that requires me to seek the approval and attention of others (like most angst-ridden bloggers on this abomination we call the Internet) and to serve as archive for my less-glorious moments, so that I may look back when I'm 50 and see exactly where I went wrong.

By the way: Here's a little plug for Meg's totally awesome website. She is a testament to the Westfield family.

So other then my own egotistical motives, why create a blog? Well, I believe I can bring something new and refreshing to the world of blogs and livejournals. No, I'm not going to update every five minutes telling you what I had in my sandwich or when I had my last nap. No, I'm not going to fill your screen with hollow threats of suicide because my evil parents made me clean my room. No, I'm not going to poison your mind with Simple Plan lyrics about how hard it is to be a financially stable, middle-class child. So you hate your life because you can't deal with the fact that there is nothing wrong with it. Nobody cares. My goal for this blog is to serve as an outlet for stories (fact or fiction), rants and random little tidbits of interest.

To successfully infiltrate the blog community of morbid attention-whores, bored, middle-aged Americans and that Iraqi dude, I had to try a covert approach. If I appeared too revolutionary, then a jealous blogger dabbling in witchcraft may have placed a hex on me for taking attention away from his/her moaning about how he/she is going to commit suicide by placing a noose around their neck, tying it to a door and slamming the door really hard. No, I needed to become one of them. Thus, I chose a suitably grim motif of black and grey for my blog, with an equally depressing "Arial" font. I also had to come up with a long name for my website, because we all know that angsty, gothic teenagers are superior and only use really long, confusing words rather than their practical counterparts.

And what you see before you is Mission: Successful.

Adios barries
Fat Barry


Anonymous Meg said...

Captain Red,

A truly inspiring blog... makes me want to update and improve my site (there's no need for jealousy)
I just knew that with enough gentle coercion you would see the error in your way of thinking that Chadstone Customer Service Girls were "better" than Westfield Customer Service Girls.

It is very clear that hussies of the Westfield variety are of such higher quality and so much better looking than those from pretentious Chadstone. Just look at the fine examples of Zoe and myself!!

Your arch-nemesis/girlfriend,

23 June, 2005 19:01  

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